Scene The First
Ally and Jen are lying on a giant king-sized bed in their Super Fancy Hotel. Jen is fiddling with her iPhone and updating Twitter about how they survived two hours in a car with the Driver Who Crosses Himself Every Time He Almost Kills You, and Ally is just lying there, eyes glazed over, in what is known as a "tour coma."
JEN: Is it mean to say something on Twitter about our driver being a teensy little bit crazy?
ALLY: *stares off into space*
ALLY: *lying on her back, lifts both arms up in the air* My arms are heeeeaaaavvvvyyyyy. *thunk. Ally's arms fall heavily to the mattress, and Ally bounces slightly.* Sooooo heeaaavvvvyyyyy.
JEN: Do you want to go to bed? It's almost midnight, and you seem a little... loopy.
ALLY: Look! My legs do it, too! *KER-THUNK*
JEN:*updates Twitter, relaying this exchange to Ally's adoring public*
ALLY: Why are my pajamas all the way over there? Why aren't they here? Why aren't I already wearing them? *inserts potentially fake, possibly real sniffling* Why is life SO HARD? *KER-THUNK*
JEN: Twitter says I should either get you some caffeine or put you to bed.
ALLY: Sleeeeeep... or DONUTS!
*Suddenly energized, Ally jumps out of bed and runs to get the room service menu, whereupon we discover that it will cost approximately a zillion dollars and our first-born children to get anything even remotely sweet to eat. Neither one of us wants to give up our first-born in exchange for something that isn't even really donuts.*
JEN: I'll look for a Dunkin' Donuts on my iPhone!
UNIVERSE: Sure you will, Jen. You know how awesome you are with things like maps and directions.
ALLY: Maybe I should call the concierge.
JEN: Hey! I can so use the maps function- look, there's a Dunkin' Donuts right there, only a few of those- whatchamacallit?- oh yeah, "blocks." It's only a few "blocks" away.
ALLY: That's it. I'm calling the front desk.
FRONT DESK (on phone): Hello, Super Fancy Hotel, how may I fancily help you?
ALLY (on phone): I NEED DONUTS.
FRONT DESK (on phone): Yes, I see. Hmmm... well, let me connect you to our Super Fancy Concierge.
* Ally is put on hold; soothing elevator music begins to play, while a lady with a soothing elevator voice starts citing off the many amenities available in our Super Fancy Hotel.*
JEN: Seriously, I found a Dunkin' Donuts! I'll call them and see if they're open. Hang up the phone.
ALLY: *sticks tongue out. does not hang up phone.*
*Jen calls Dunkin' Donuts, but there is no answer. Ally is still on Super Fancy hold.*
ALLY: That's it! I'm hanging up! We can find donuts ourselves! *hangs up phone* What am I talking about? You're the most directionally impaired person on the face of the earth, and I have tour brain. We can't find donuts ourselves. I can't even put on my pajamas. WE ARE GOING TO STARVE. That's it! I'm calling the front desk again!
FRONT DESK: Hello, Super Fancy Hotel, how may I...
ALLY (manically): DONUTS!
Once again, Ally is transferred to the Super Fancy Concierge, who this time must realize that the situation is dire, because he answers immediately.
ALLY (using her polite Oklahoman phone voice): Hello, I have a somewhat odd question, but do you know where I could find a twenty-four hour Dunkin' Donuts within walking distance?
CONCIEGE: Certainly. Go out the front door of the hotel and turn left. Walk until you hit the first intersection, then turn left again. Go two blocks, turn right, and by the time you Such-and-Such street, you'll see it.
ALLY (deathly serious): Are you sure it's open twenty-four hours.
CONCIERGE: Madam, I am positive.
Ally hangs up the phone and looks at Jen.
ALLY: Let's do this.
Scene the Second
Ally and Jen are walking. They have finished 95% of the concierge's directions, but something just doesn't feel right, so they get out Jen's iPhone and discover that they are walking the opposite direction from the Dunkin' Donuts on her map.
JEN: Maybe we should turn around.
UNIVERSE: Don't listen to her Ally! You know how bad she is with this stuff! She is THE WORST.
Jen and Ally turn around and walk eight blocks to a Dunkin' Donuts, WHICH IS CLOSED.
UNIVERSE: I freaking told you so, Ally.
ALLY: Seriously, Jen, why do I ever listen to you about this stuff?
JEN: I sound very convincing when I don't know what I'm talking about- much more convincing than when I do. It's a curse.
ALLY: Do you think if we walk back eight blocks and finish out the old directions, we might find the Dunkin' Donuts the Concierge swore was open at midnight?
JEN: Yes. Almost definitely.
UNIVERSE: I'm not even going to try to talk the two of you out of this. I wash my hands of this!
Jen and Ally walk back eight blocks. The streets are well-lit and crowded. I tell you this so Jen's mom, who is almost definitely reading this blog, won't freak out about what happens next. We were totally safe, I swear. And Ally grew up on a farm, so she is NOT THE KIND OF GIRL YOU WANT TO MESS WITH. Having made these disclaimers, this is the point at which a new character, SUPER SKETCHY DUDE, enters the scene. He is walking half a block behind Jen and Ally, on that well-lit, fairly crowded, and completely safe (I swear, Mom!) street.
SUPER SKETCHY DUDE: Hey, ladies. Nice and tight.
ALLY (to Jen): Walk faster.
SUPER SKETCHY DUDE: Nice and tiiiiiigggghhhht.
JEN (to Ally): What does that even MEAN?
ALLY: Quick, run across the intersection before the light changes.
SUPER SKETCHY DUDE: Nice. And. *sound cut off by passing bus, as we make the Gallagher and Squad girls proud with our evasive techniques.*
ALLY: This Dunkin' Donuts had better be open.
Scene the Third
Jen and Ally have finally arrived at the twenty-four hour Dunkin' Donuts, which is indeed EXACTLY WHERE THE CONCIERGE SAID IT WAS. They burst through the door in a state of euphoria, so happy that they are finally going to get your donuts.
ALLY (to the guys behind the Dunkin' Donuts counter): We are so happy to see you, you don't even know.
DUNKIN' DONUTS GUYS: *assume that Ally and Jen are totally wasted, as most people who burst into Dunkin' Donuts, completely manic, at this time of night are not of the sober.*
ALLY (solemnly): And we're not drunk or high or anything. We don't even do that stuff! We just REALLY LIKE DONUTS.
DUNKIN' DONUTS GUYS: Sure ya do.
*Jen and Ally then proceed to spend a full ten minutes picking out a dozen donuts.*
JEN: No, not that one. The other one, please. Yes! That one! Thank you!
ALLY: And then, maybe another glazed?
JEN: Or maybe one of those cream-filled ones?
ALLY: Or maybe...
DUNKIN' DONUTS GUYS: Oh. Dear. LORD. Make it end.
After finally picking out the twelfth donut, we return home. And everyone lived happily ever after, the end (except the donuts were kind of stale).